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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name βInspirationβ on her boat because βthatβs what she isβ
Considering writing βThe Sea Wordβ instead.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* Itβs me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: Itβs like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
What do you mean we βlostβ an hour of sleep? FIND IT
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Seriously, if you hacked Trumpβs account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Interviewer: give me an example of when youβve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so Iβm never invited back into the office
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or sheβs already given them our social security numbers
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.