Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?