guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.