What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat