What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.