What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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A French press is when you hug naked
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“What movie?” 🤔
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
want me to check your oil?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.