a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Somebody call the cops.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.