[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Had an epiphany today.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES