Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I love the National Park Service.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know