Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
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we all know this pain all too well
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I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I need to get some bricks…
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?