elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’m giving up for Lent.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
an octopus is just a wet spider
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!