titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
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My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Need WebMD
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*aggressively waits in line*
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Saw your ex at the shops
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.