We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
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The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you