I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Krampus.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.