her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
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“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
*cough*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party