*cough*
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“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Bring back the McRib
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that