I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.