I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
You Might Also Like
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.