@capricecrane

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

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@LeBearGirdle

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

@whatmaddness

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

@djdarrellripley

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

@AllanForsyth

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

@coffeeandvinyl1

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

@KeepOnPogging

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

@XplodingUnicorn

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

@_wangwe

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.