If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
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this is the best interaction on twitter
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis