If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

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*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?


A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.


Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828


Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon


Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…


My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.


It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy


I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit


I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.


I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.