shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…