In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.