Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???