Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either