them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
You Might Also Like
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.