Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
next level snooze
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*launders Kohls cash*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol