Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?