If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
The news
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
#MeanwhileinCanada
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit