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*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*


The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.


Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.


Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.


Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.


Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.


Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage


ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything


The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…


Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.