u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
mom had nothing to worry about
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.