Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Bless you
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.