1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Waiting for the Charmin
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago