I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.