Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page