Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!