Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
You Might Also Like
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*skinny dips into black hole
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.