Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.