ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”