white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.