Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
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Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.