My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
R.I.P.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.