Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
🤣🤣
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.