Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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SPLOOT
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
next question.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?