Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Life with a cat in one tweet
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
dutch is not a serious language
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
couldn’t resist