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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
A completely valid reaction tbh
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
found this cool rock hiking today
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.