Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…