if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
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People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle