Going to church you guys need anything
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
rapatouille
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.