I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I like long walks away from everyone
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
when u come home smelling like another dog
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”