ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!