[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
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OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My blood type is b hungry.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.