[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Jogging
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Pigeon open mic night.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle