I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
monday
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My dress code is business-casualty.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.