When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.