People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
This is so me 😂😂
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch