I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
new year update: losing everything but weight
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor