I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.