[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.